Ep #19 Toxic Masculinity and Conscious Dating, with Josh Campbell

As we tumble through our life stories, doing our best to survive, love, be loved, and achieve our versions of success, we inevitably make a mess here and there. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, right? But what happens when some of us make a mess time and time again, hurting those close to us? What if we're apparently oblivious to the trail of destruction in our wake?

A relatively new term, 'Gaslighting', is as old as relationship dysfunction. Named after a ⁠1944 movie where the male protagonist convinced his wife she was losing her mind⁠, it is a genuine relationship issue. Perhaps more so, with the advent of paranoia, mistrust, and low esteem ever-present in our younger generations. Narcissistic gaslighting, communications, toxic masculinity, vulnerability and authenticity were just a few of the topics served up, aired and thrashed in this week's episode, with conscious dating coach Josh Campbell.

Josh works with a whole host of women keen to understand better how to navigate the wild chicanery of relationships and dating in the modern world. With digital interactions and personas playing such a vital part in today's dating scene, it's no wonder that folks like Josh are in high demand. It is especially so when they (or at least, he) make a point of openly expressing their ability to "lean into the feminine", placing consciousness and awareness front & centre of their advice.

Since 'swiping' has become the new romantic communication tool, what effect does this less-than-delicate selection process have on its participants? And with smartphones now the main interface in the dating process, is it possible that daters are less diligent when researching, meeting, and indeed developing relationships? Furthermore, as new generations cling to image consciousness, honing skills in creating highly optimised digital personas, are we moving further away from our true selves? Rather than listening to intuition, are we now searching for what the internet tells us women, men (and anyone in between) want?

For sure, we are at a crossroads where Narcissism, gaslighting, and toxic masculinity are all commonly discussed areas of concern in relationships. Furthermore, understanding gaslighting and the various tactics used by gaslighters appear to be significant areas of online search. In fact, May 2021 saw an all-time high in online search volumes for the query "how to expose a gaslighter".

But it's not only romantic relationships affected by narcissism and gaslighting. Family members and so-called friends can cause just as much (if not more) long-lasting harm to the unwitting and open-hearted victims in their wake. 

All that said, as Martin points out during this discussion, all 'persecutors' have more than likely also been 'victims'. Narcissistic personality disorder, for example, is a mental disorder born of neglect and or trauma. Abusive behaviour and emotional underdevelopment are usually the product of previous trauma, taking many shapes and sizes (not necessarily abusive). With this in mind, while it's natural for us to suffer due to someone's actions, we might help ourselves by understanding the root cause of others' behaviour. Not to accept it, but as a reminder that we are not losing our minds despite perhaps being regularly told as much.

This week's How To Die Happy podcast is a whistle-stop tour of some of these issues. Since Josh is a ⁠podcaster⁠, he also turned the tables on Martin, throwing a few poignant questions his way, resulting in some incredibly vulnerable shares about Martin's past as an addict and narcissistic gaslighter. As always, there weren't enough hours in the day to do this subject justice. So if you haven't already, please hit the 'follow' or 'subscribe' button.